“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” -Deepak Chopra
I remember how difficult it was to talk to my husband about money when we were first married. We were so different. Every time I would bring up an idea for something that I wanted to do that involved money, he seemed to want to shut me down.
I would react defensively and say something that I’d later regret. It was terrible! The worst part is that my daughters would sometimes witness this. It caused so much pain in our marriage.
Can you relate? According to a survey by Sun Trust Bank, money is the leading cause of stress in relationships. Even thought divorce rates are falling, nearly 40% of all marriages are dissolved before a couple reaches their 10th anniversary.
In addition, one study found that women’s household income falls 41% after a separation or divorce, which is more than twice as much as what men experience.
Was I thinking about divorce? No, but there was a lot of money stress, which was not good for us, or for our daughters.
Thank God, my dear husband, Mark, and I finally got a handle on this because we just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary and couldn’t be happier.
Financially, I’m also very grateful we worked this out because we are now headed into retirement with our home and equity intact, and we can plan for our retirement with both of our retirement accounts, pensions and two Social Security incomes to depend on.
So how did we get from where we were to where we are now?
About 10 years ago, I began teaching a course that included money personalities. Before I knew it, I had taken over 100 women through my money personality and healing session where we not only identified their core limiting belief around money and how it was affecting their finances, relationships, health, and happiness, but in each case, we actually cleared that belief once and for all.
This is what Pam Campbell said after her session…
“Two very significant things have shifted for me since my money personality session with Katana –my relationship with money and my relationship with my mother. In our session, we identified my “Security” money personality. Katana skillfully led me to the early childhood experience with my Mother which was the root cause of my belief in scarcity. She helped me identify where this experience resided in my body, and I was able to release it. I now have a newfound sense of security, regardless of external circumstances. I have begun to spend money differently, choosing things that really feed my soul.
You see our beliefs around money affect every area of our life. Each of us has beliefs that were formed when we were very young from things we observed, were told, or experienced. Those beliefs were often false but ended up forming our core limiting beliefs that we carry with us throughout life.
There are five money personalities: love, recognition, status, security, and value. This is what we found when my husband and I sat down together to compare ours:
- My husband’s money personality was Security, and his core belief was, “I never know when what I have may be taken from me.”
- My money personality was Recognition, and my core belief was, “I’m alone and need to prove I’m right”.
Both of these beliefs went back to very specific experiences we had when we were little.
- Mark witnessed his parents in a situation where they didn’t know how they were going to pay for something very important. It shook his world because he had no idea that money was so tight. Before that time, he had felt so loved, safe, and secure.
- My father drowned when I was six, and my mother had no idea how to handle the situation and ended up marrying a monster, which lead to 10 years of abuse and fear. I grew up terribly alone and felt no one was there for me.
As you can imagine, you put two totally different people together who have no idea that their disempowering beliefs are still running their lives today, and it can only mean trouble.
The good news is that when Mark and I went deeper, we realized that we were perfect for each other! You see, a Recognition personality takes huge risks and can get into all kinds of trouble if they aren’t kept in check. And a Security personality may worry so much about money that they hoard it and say things like, “We can’t afford it”, even when there is plenty.
Knowing this, we were able to relax, share our feelings, and listen to each other without judgement. This new understanding totally transformed not only our relationship with money, but our relationship with each other.
The biggest gift was to our daughters because they were able to see their parents working together in a loving way. For example, instead of “We can’t afford it,” Mark would say, “We are choosing to spend our money differently.” Much better modeling to our daughters, right?
This month we are celebrating love, relationships, and money for Valentine’s Day, and I’m thrilled to be interviewing our two smart women:
Shelly Lefkoe is famous for her work with relationships and eliminating disempowering beliefs and will share how to “unlearn a belief in 30 minutes!”
Renée Paine is The Love Designer, and she will share how to create more balance, more success in your career and business, and a more fulfilling love life.
I hope you join us on Smart Women Talk. Remember you can catch all our shows wherever you listen to your podcasts!
If you want to know more about your money personality, watch this video where I take you through all five personalities and share how to create a millionaire mindset HERE.
Or simply book time to talk with me to learn more at www.talkwithkatana.com.
Katana Abbott, CFP®, is a Retirement Reinvention Coach, founder of the Smart Women Companies, and the host Smart Women Talk Radio with over a million subscribers. For over 30 years, Katana has shown women how to take charge of their life and finances and believes it’s never too early to plan for expected and unexpected events like retirement, encore careers, moving abroad, or preparing for long-term care. She has written several books, created a financial literacy course, and is a popular speaker. Katana has been honored by NAWBO as one of Detroit’s Top 10 Business Women, receiving the Breakthrough Award.
To download her new retirement guide, Three Smart Strategies to Maximize Your Retirement Income. visit www.katanaabbott.com